Through probes, satellites and manned missions, we have confirmed that there is, in fact, an entire large planet of freakin' Einsteins, sequestered in the Asteroid Belt, shielded by science which is beyond our understanding.
It is suspected that the eminent thinker and theoretician faked his death here on Earth and absconded himself to the dark star, as the operatives have take to calling it. Whether he populated the planet through traditional cloning methods or through some form of meta-mathematical sorcery, or some sort of Captain Kirkian mating with scantily clad female natives... we were unable to ascertain.
From the intelligence we did gather, we discovered that the dark star possesses technology which far surpasses our own. It was not unusual to obtain footage of the Einsteins riding around on comets which they controlled through some unseen steering system.
The population of Einsteins seems to be divided roughly down the middle into two camps, which the operatives have dubbed Emcees and Squares.
The Emcees seem to be more concerned with pushing things forward. Highly literate and prone to discourse, they have an acute sense of the narrative of history and the necessity to create history as a continuum.
The Squares are more traditional in their beliefs and seem to prefer infinite repetitions on the status quo. Centered around a belief that the old ways are out-dated and the future is uncertain, therefore, the present moment must be eternal, curving from one horizon to the other.
Meetings between the Emcees and the Squares are called to order through the use of a 12" gong, which the operatives have taken to calling the 12" Dark Star Gong. They said it seems traditional for a mallet to be included with every gong and that the gong emitted a wonderful music. It would give voice to a deep, playful tone which seemed to issue from the bright spot of center lathing.
While we have not been able to determine if the original Einstein is still alive, we have seen the sounds of the 12" Dark Star Gong calm many a heated argument between the Emcees and the Squares.
It is our belief that this particular issue warrants further investigation. xxx
[Remainder of pages CLASSIFIED] xxx
Own the gong that Einstein saw fit to use in ruling his hidden planet. The 12 Dark Star gong, a wonderful vision of what the future might hold.
xxx [Fragment: We have discovered that the dark star has recruited agents here on Earth, instructing them to hide in plain sight, recommending that this be done by putting pictures of their overlord on their clothing. These agents have been given explicit commands to infiltrate all aspects of Earth culture and--- :End of Fragment] xxx
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Andrew Borakove
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