by Andrew Borakove December 01, 2017

[THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM A LOST “SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS” EPISODE AS RELATED TO US BY A RATHER FISHY SMELLING FELLOW.]




[Spongebob enters the Krusty Krab, finding it a wild mess. A trashcan spits out flames in the corner. Sauces strewn about.]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Are you here?

[Mr. Krabs pokes his head out from behind an overturned table]

Mr. Krabs: Thank Neptune you’re here, boy! You’ve got to do something!

Spongebob: What happened?

Mr. Krabs: It’s the citizens of Bikini Bottom, Spongebob! They’ve gone crazy with anger!

Spongebob: Crazy? Why?

Mr. Krabs: I don’t know! Just this morning, I offered everyone 1% off a Krabby Patty with the purchase of another Krabby Patty!

CUT TO:

[Downtown Bikini Bottom in chaos, with cars turned over and smoke drifting through the air. A random citizen walks into the scene, screaming and holding his head.]

Citizen: That’s not even a real discount!

[BACK TO: Krusty Krab]

Spongebob: Hold on, Mr. Krabs! I know what to do!

[Spongebob pulls a gong from his back pocket]

Mr. Krabs: This is no time to make a pizza.

Spongbob: This isn’t a pizza pan! It’s a 10" Pasi Gong on the Woodsonic Gong Stand! I need to get to the roof!

DISSOLVE TO:

[Spongebob standing on the roof of the Krusty Krab with Mr. Krabs next to the gong]

Mr. Krabs: What’s this going to do, boy?

Spongebob: It’s going to calm everyone down, Mr. Krabs. Watch!

[Spongebob hits the 10" Pasi Gong on the Woodsonic Gong Stand with the free mallet included with his Gongs-Unlimited order]

[The SOUND of the GONG, bright and cheerful, resonates throughout Bikini Bottom. We see crazed citizens fighting and destroying property hear the gong and stop what they’re doing.]

Random citizen: It’s … it’s beautiful!



(BACK TO: Spongebob and Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: It worked, Spongebob! But let me ask, what is that thing holding the gong?

Spongebob: It’s a Woodsonic Stand, Mr. Krabs! It’s made of real wood, not driftwood, and crafted with care by furniture makers on the land! I bought it online, from my new favorite store, Gongs Unlimited!

Mr. Krabs: On land? Online? What the barnacle are you talking about?

Spongebob: I learned it from Squidward. He buys fancy shoes in bulk that way!

Mr. Krabs: Tell me, boy, how much did this cost you?

Spongebob: Only a few clams! AND YOU'LL LIKE THIS... FREE SHIPPING!

[Mr. Krabs’ eyes turn to dollar signs]

Mr. Krabs: Free … shipping? Man, those nutty guys at Gongs Unlimited must care about gongs even more than they care about money!

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