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The Intrepid Tale of Bao and the Snow Beast

by Andrew Borakove May 04, 2017

The Intrepid Tale of Bao & the Snow Beast

The Snow Beast had been terrorizing Bao's village in northern China for many weeks. No one knew how to combat this terror, as they were unaccustomed to snow in general, and only one ancient elder had ever even seen a snow cone, and it was half-melted, but Bao uncharacteristically decided that something must be done.

Stocking his bindle with provisions, he headed up the mountain in the direction of the Snow Beast's lair. It was not long before the cold air began to bite into his lungs.

"The Snow Beast is sending out its villainous tendrils to deter me," Bao thought.

But he was not deterred. He stopped to smoke a cigarette in a grove in order to warm his innards. He was frustrated in his goal by the fact he only had menthols.

As he was chillaxing, an axe-wielding creature - not the actual snow beast, but a fan - burst forth from a thicket to warn Bao away from his chosen task.

"Go no farther!" the creature warned. "The Snow Beast cannot be tamed and does not suffer interlopers!"

Bao was at something of a crossroads- (Although not a literal one- literally he was smoking in a grove on the side of a mountain while an iceberg floated in the pond behind him and shouting creature waved an axe in his face. If anything, Bao was at an Icelandic Spa where Sigur Ros was filming a new video.) He was compelled to confront the Snow Beast and save his village, but he had never been one to seek danger. Unless you counted that time when he was 14 and stole his sister's diary. He still had the scars from that.

Bao decided to proceed out of duty. But he also decided to alter his plan from one of combat.

"I have heard it told from distant lands that music soothes the savage beast", Bao thought, "But I have not brought any instruments and my singing voice is shot from smoking all these crappy cigarettes."

Bao sat down on the path and began to concentrate very hard on his conundrum. (His conundrum was not that big, he realized, due to the cold temperatures.)

Before long, he heard the fierce snuffling of the Snow Beast coming closer. He increased his concentration twenty-fold and just as the Snow Beast crested the ridge- POP!- Bao was transformed, from man, into gong. The intensity of his concentration resulted in a small bump or nipple in the center of the gong. He had become a small gong- only 7"- so as not to intimidate the Snow Beast. And because he was a small man. The Snow Beast was not intimidated, but it was confused.

What was this bit of bronze? Bowl? Hat? A lost bit from one of Madonna's costumes? It eagerly picked up the Bao gong, broke a small branch from a nearby tree and gave the 7" Bao gong a tap.

A crystal clear bell-like tone issued from the Bao gong and just as legend had predicted, the Beast was soothed. In fact, the musicality of the tone transformed it from a Snow Beast into a beautiful Snow Queen. Mee-ow!

She took the 7" Bao gong and returned to her icy palace where she and the Bao gong lived in harmony forevermore. Although she would occasionally send a soft and fluffy reminder of her presence and Bao's sacrifice down into the village.

The villagers made peace with her snowy reminder out of respect for Bao and the kingdom enjoyed many years of prosperity and joy.

Andrew Borakove
Andrew Borakove


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